Changes
by NyxSea
Summary: Shepard doesn't expect anyone to understand what she went through when she was brought back. It turns out she was wrong.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: Bioware owns all!

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><p>They weren't friends. In fact they couldn't stand each other as soon as he first set food on the Normandy. Zaeed was a brutal old mercenary that only cared about money and his own survival. Shepard did whatever she could to help others and save lives. It was obvious that the two would be butting heads often when Shepard punched Zaeed on Zorya. Hard. She couldn't fathom how he was willing to sacrifice civilian lives for his own revenge. Shepard had even considered leaving him trapped under the beam that had fallen on him. Eventually her sensibility returned and she helped him up, explaining to him that he was on a team now and needed to start acting like it. She still wasn't positive she could trust him to follow her orders without question, but he agreed to her terms.<p>

The return to the Normandy was quiet. As much tension as there was between the two Shepard still went to visit Zaeed in the cargo hold. He was one of the first people she had recruited so there weren't too many people to talk to. Most of the crew members were too busy with their day to day to chat. And Shepard went crazy sitting alone in her quarters.

After the upset of their initial argument had waned a little she started making her way down to see Zaeed more often. There was plenty of time to kill during travel. He'd always have a story ready to tell about one of his past adventures. Sometimes she would bring a snack and just listen to him talk.

"Anyway that's when I found Jessie. Worth all the goddamn shit," Zaeed said with a smirk.

Shepard smiled back at him finishing her drink. "Well I should go. See if I can manage to get some sleep before my shift. Thanks for the talk."

Shepard stood up and straightened her Cerberus uniform. She hated the damn thing, but it was the best option she had. It wouldn't have been so bad if it didn't have the Cerberus logo printed all over it. They were really trying to get to her. But she was a bit lacking in the civilian clothing department and it wasn't as if she could go traipsing around the CIC in the dress Kasumi had bought her. So it would have to do.

Zaeed nodded at her as she turned to leave. "Shepard," he called as she reached the door. "Can I ask you something?"

She turned around lifting her eyebrow, "What is it?"

"Why do you still come down here?" Zaeed spoke after a beat. The question took Shepard by surprise. She didn't think he would have noticed. "Not that I mind, but ...well there are a lot of bloody people on this boat. And there's got to be others that are a hell of a lot better company than an old merc. Don't tell me that no one else wants a piece of your time?"

"Actually almost everyone has something they want to discuss or something they need help with," Shepard replied. She thought carefully before continuing. As much as she was happy to help it had become exhausting. Everyone was clamoring for her attention and wanting her to talk with them, give her thoughts and opinions. Sometimes all she wanted to do was turn her brain off and let someone else do the talking. Her chats with Zaeed had become very therapeutic for her. Because in his stories she wasn't the hero. The pressure was off and she had someone else to look to, something else to focus on. "I like your stories," she said after a moment.

Zaeed gave her a slightly confused look and shrugged his shoulders. "I do tell good stories," He smiled and let the subject drop. "All right. Talk more later, Shepard." He waved her off casually.

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><p>Shepard stretched her neck as the elevator made it to the first floor. Stepping onto the landing between the elevator and the captain's quarters, she felt the whoosh of the door closing behind her.<p>

As Shepard walked down the steps towards her bed and living area, she considered the question Zaeed had asked a little more. Shepard knew that the second the mission was over Zaeed would be back on Omega looking for his next job. That was assuming they made it back from the Omega-4 Relay alive. But who was she kidding? Zaeed was way too stubborn to die before he was ready. They'd come to some kind of unspoken understanding. They would forget about Vido Santiago and get along as best they could while they were taking down the Collectors. After that he'd return to his life as a famous bounty hunter and mercenary for hire and she would move forward on her next mission.

She settled into the sheets of her less than comfortable bed, running her fingers through her short hair. Staring at the ceiling it seemed like she was never going to sleep. She tried to will herself to keep her eyes closed. She tried lying on her side, her back, her stomach. Counting sheep, listening to soft music, changing the temperature of her quarters. She finally decided that sleep was not on the agenda for the night.

Standing up Shepard stripped down and headed for her shower. She relaxed as the hot water kneaded her neck and back letting her thoughts drift. They drifted to Kaidan. Her heart tugged a little bit in her chest. She wished so much that he would have survived on Virmire. She missed him and his positive attitude. Always there with a smile and endless support for her and her choices. At the time she couldn't justify leaving Ashley and the rest of the Salarian team to die while she went back to the bombsite to save him. As much as she might have felt for him it just wouldn't have been right. She tried to shake Kaidan from her thoughts and concentrate on the task ahead.

It was morning already when she emerged and a trip to the Citadel was the plan for the day. Shepard got called in by Captain Anderson, or rather _Councilor_ Anderson, and was finally ready to make her appearance to meet with the council. She wasn't sure she was ready for another reminder of what she'd lost when she died. Not having the support of the council and their resources had made things a bit more difficult. And since Shepard was so hesitant to accept the majority of Cerberus' connections she was hoping the meeting at the Citadel would go well.


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: Bioware owns all!

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><p>The council had chosen to ignore the reaper threat. Deciding it was best to act as though Sovereign and the reapers didn't even exist. Shepard was furious. How could they abandon her when she needed their help...again? She'd made sure they survived the attack on the Citadel and they still didn't trust her. There was no doubt in her mind that if the collectors and reapers persisted things would become devastating for all races, not just humanity.<p>

Shepard couldn't figure out what to do with herself. Pacing back and forth in her quarters wasn't exactly productive. In fact it was driving her a bit crazy. As she stared into the water of her empty aquarium her stomach growled at her. She hadn't eaten all day, but had absolutely no appetite. Of course she knew that if she skipped a meal Gardner would tell Dr. Chakwas and she would receive a lecture about making sure to take care of herself and all that. The thought of it gave her an instant headache. Shepard ran a hand through her hair and stepped out of her quarters.

As she exited the elevator and rounded the corner on the crew deck Shepard saw a familiar sight. This wasn't the first time she'd seen them together. Once or twice before she'd found Zaeed and Garrus in the mess chatting over plates of multi-coloured mush. Whatever kind of mystery meat and dextro-friendly food Rupert had thrown together that day. The two had found a commonality and took to discussing Garrus' tales of his time as Archangel. Both were too busy reminiscing over the hundreds of mercs they'd killed and how and with which weapons to even notice her.

Shepard would have joined them, but the lack of sleep had broken her ability to laugh and joke around. Pretending to be sociable and friendly wasn't something that sounded appealing to her after her disappointing meeting with the council. She grabbed her own plate of mushy meat and vegetable cubes and headed for her quarters. But not before finally making her presence known by accidentally bumping into a crew member and nearly dropping her tray of food.

"Shepard!" Garrus practically shouted. "Care to join us?"

Zaeed was still laughing from whatever Garrus last said. Shepard hesitated before approaching them slowly and taking a seat. She felt trapped, but had no real reason to turn down the company of her best friend and her favourite storyteller. She nodded and smiled at the both of them.

"Shepard," Zaeed said in his rough voice. "What's the word?"

"Nothing new to report. We're still heading for the Purgatory to pick up Jack. The dossier was pretty vague so I have no idea what kind of person we'll be getting. Other than a dangerous biotic criminal that is," Shepard pushed the food on her plate around.

"Sounds like my kind trip," Zaeed smirked, implying that he wanted to join her for the day.

"Well then you'd better get ready. We'll be docking at the ship in 20 minutes." Shepard picked up her plate of uneaten food and handed it to Gardner as she headed for the elevator.

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><p>Shepard was back in the starboard cargo hold again. Zaeed was going on about Jack and how he appreciated her biotic abilities, albeit in a much more colourful way and with much more colourful language. She was exhausted and was having a hard time following what he was even saying. Shepard sighed and stared out the window near the trash compactor into the dark abyss glittered with stars.<p>

"Something on your mind?" Zaeed barely shook her from her thoughts. They were making progress with the mission, but very slowly. They'd picked up another crew member and even fought the collectors on Horizon, but it still felt like it was endless.

"Not really. Just thinking about when this is all over. If this will ever be over." She didn't take her eyes off the stars.

"Don't tell me the great Commander Shepard is losing her nerve?" He teased.

"Don't get me wrong…I won't stop until I've killed every last collector and reaper out there. I'm just thinking about how long it will take." She shook her head. "Bah. Sorry to be such a downer. What were you saying?"

Zaeed wasted no time returning to his story about the hanar that nearly killed him. Shepard smiled inwardly. She had to admit she found his arrogance pretty amusing sometimes. He reminded her why she was down here talking to him in the first place. With enough effort she was able to let go of her thoughts temporarily and just listen as he finished his story.

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><p>Shepard's private terminal blinked at her in the dim light of her quarters. She stepped up to the console opening the incoming message. There was news that the crash site of the original SSV Normandy had been found. She re-read the email maybe five times before it started to sink in. Shepard felt sick. She clutched her stomach and made for the toilet, but nothing came out. They wanted her to choose the spot for a monument to be erected and search for the last 20 remaining Alliance crew that were deemed missing in action. It was too much for Shepard to handle, but she decided it took priority over her impending trip to Illium to pick up the Drell assassin. She just wanted to get it over with. Trying to gather all her courage she left her quarters and headed for the CIC.<p>

As she walked toward the bridge the knot in her stomach grew tighter and tighter. Joker turned in his seat as Shepard approached.

"Commander," He acknowledged her smiling.

"Joker, change of plans. There's been some news," Shepard said delicately. She took a breath trying to overcome the urge to run back to her quarters and sleep for the next few days. "They found the crash site of the Normandy."

"What?" the pilot blinked at her.

"I got a message from Hackett asking me to be the first on the site. They want to put up some monument and..." she hesitated but just left it at that. She couldn't bring herself to tell him the part about the missing crew members. "Yeah."

"Where is it?" Joker asked. Shepard could practically see the same knot forming in his stomach as he spoke.

"Alchera in the Amada system," she replied.

"I'll let you know when we're close," Joker quickly swiveled his chair back around. Shepard thought about saying something more, but decided against it. What could she say? She knew that this must have affected Joker almost as much as it did herself. Shepard left the cockpit with even more dread filling her heart.


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: Bioware owns all!

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><p>Shepard felt cold. Despite the temperature regulators in her suit and the fact that she was now back in the safety of the Normandy she still felt the icy chill of Alchera down her spine. She thought that Horizon had been difficult. Seeing Ashley again and hearing her feelings of betrayal. It didn't compare to seeing the memories of Kaidan, Pressly, and the lost crew members. Shepard considered going to her quarters, but felt her stomach clench at the thought of being alone with no distractions. As she entered the elevator she hit the button for engineering. Still clad in her armor she hesitated a moment before stepping through the doors to the starboard cargo hold.<p>

She could have gone anywhere. Any one of her crew members would have been glad to accept her company and offer theirs. But Shepard couldn't find the strength or the will to wear the mask that she would have to for them. Zaeed was different. She wasn't about to start bawling her eyes out to him, but they had an understanding. Anyone else would try to be sensitive and caring. Shepard didn't expect that of Zaeed. She expected him to say something like _'Suck it up. You're no worse off than everyone else.'_ and maybe that was why she chose to go to him. She needed someone to wake her up tell her she was being crazy.

Shepard slid the knives to the other side of the crate as she sat down near Zaeed's usual hang out.

"Back for mo-" Zaeed started to say then paused. Shepard sat in silence, staring at the gloved hands in her lap. "You don't look so good, Shepard."

"I'm fine," She finally said trying to keep her voice even. " Just...I don't know."

"Did I miss something?" He asked confused. Shepard shifted slightly in her seat looking a little more alive, but no less pained in the face.

"Have you ever lost something? Something major that changed you in every way and every day people can't wait to remind you of it. They act like it's your fault, but there was nothing you could do. You feel like the victim and people treat you like the culprit." She took a breath. "Losing everything that defined you can make you feel like you've utterly lost yourself. No one considers that. They're all just ready to jump down your throat for something you have next to no control over. I have no control over anything anymore and sometimes I feel like I'm drowning." Shepard opened her mouth a little in disbelief at her last sentence. She had no intention of spilling her guts out to anyone and felt slightly ashamed that she'd let herself say these things to a member of her team. They weren't supposed to see this side of her.

For a moment Zaeed was quiet, considering her words with an ambiguous look on his face. "Shepard, I don't know how you bloody do it," He said shaking his head. "Everyone treats you like this goddamn hero. It's no big wonder why, but even heroes need a break."

There was silence for a moment. Shepard was the first to break it. "I found my old N7 helmet. It doesn't feel like it belongs to me anymore. Since I was brought back...I just feel different. I know my mission and nothing will deter me from it. But whenever I'm not in battle I feel lost. Like I'm trying to put the pieces back together, but I'm missing some." She sighed a little fidgeting with the edges of the crate she sat on. Saying these things out loud, and to Zaeed no less, just made her feel embarrassed. She didn't imagine there was anything he could say to make her feel better, but she needed to at least voice her feelings.

"Believe it or not I think I know how you feel," He said quietly. "When that bastard Vido betrayed me I lost my shit. Had to start from scratch as a merc. It was hard getting work. Vido had fucked me over in any way he could and no one would work with me. Eventually worked my way back up and now I wouldn't have it any other way." Shepard hadn't thought about it, but Zaeed had nearly died once too. Getting shot in the face and barely surviving, having your partner and friend betray you, turn your people against you, and leave you with nothing left in the world. She had to admit it had a ring of familiarity. Maybe not the betrayal part that came later. But coming back with none of the things you held dear and trying to survive. It was all too similar. Seemingly out of nowhere they'd actually found some common ground. Something that went past her just wanting to listen to his stories to escape her own.

Shepard got up to leave and as she did so did he bringing them very close together. Before she could stop herself she leaned forward and gave Zaeed a ghost of a kiss on his unscarred cheek. A small "Thanks" was all she could manage as she turned and exited the cargo hold speeding towards the elevator.

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><p>She didn't see him for three days. It's somewhat difficult to avoid someone for so long when you're on the same ship but she managed. It took some extra sleuthing and maybe a lesson or two from Kasumi, but Shepard had been pretty successful at avoiding Zaeed so far. She was even starting to feel proud of herself.<p>

Zaeed had surprised Shepard with the way he handled her confessions. Rather than receiving a cold blow of cynicism she had instead received some sort of warmth and empathy. Enough to shock her into doing something very out of character and not realising how unprofessional it was until too late. She hoped he would just let it go, but she knew better than to believe that he would. And that was how had she gotten here. Sneaking out of the elevator at engineering trying to get to Tali without being seen or heard by anyone else. But luck just wasn't on her side.

The starboard cargo hold opened as soon as she stepped foot off the lift. Zaeed stood in the doorway looking as intimidating as usual. His mismatched eyes were locked with her's. Nowhere to hide Shepard stepped towards him.

"Zaeed..." she started to say, but nothing else came. She quickly diverted her stare through the window taking in the view of the Kodiak shuttle.

"Shepard," he said evenly. "Got a minute?"

"Umm actually I was just on my way to see Tali. Could it wait a bit?" Shepard tried to keep her voice calm but missed by just a fraction. She had no idea why she was acting this way. Zaeed was just an old merc that the Illusive Man had happened to want on her team. She wasn't interested in him like that. In many ways they were opposites. Sure she hated him a little less than she initially did, but was that any reason to start acting like a flustered school girl?

"Actually it's goddamn important. Step into my office..." he replied gesturing toward the cargo bay. He waited outside until she finally rolled her eyes and stepped inside.

"What is it?" Shepard asked in obvious annoyance. When he didn't reply she continued, "Look if this is about the other day... that was nothing I accidentally lost my balance. Sorry." She had no idea where the lame excuse came from, but there it was. Zaeed just stood there leaning against the railing with a smirk, the bastard.

More silence. He still hadn't said anything. Shepard shifted her balance from foot to foot staring at the surveillance screen in the corner. It was set to the camera right outside the elevator on the engineering deck. So that was how he'd tracked her down. Great. He tracked her down just to bring her in here and humiliate her. Shepard started to get nervous and more than a little enraged.

"Listen Zaeed!" she shouted startling him a little. "I'm the commanding officer aboard this ship. I don't have the time to spend all day standing around in here watching my fingernails grow. I have things to do." Shepard crossed her arms and tapped her foot impatiently.

Zaeed's smirk had returned if only a little slighter. He was obviously enjoying watching her struggle to keep her calm. He stepped forward so that he was mere inches from Shepard.

"What are you doing?" she growled. "Stop fooling around!" His smile widened just before he leaned in and pressed his lips to her's lightly. Shepard stilled. After a beat she pushed Zaeed back and repeated the question with slightly less conviction, "Wh-what are you d-doing?"

Zaeed stepped forward again, but this time Shepard was the one to lean in.


End file.
